I understand... I have suffered from depression on & off my entire adult life, but there is help & hope! The right medication can keep it under control, and counseling is helpful if you find a good Psychologist. You need to go to a doctor and let them know how you're feeling so they can help you or refer you. Talk to those closest to you so they know you need their support & love. Even if you cannot afford counseling or a doctor, talk to your minister, or any minister/pastor, etc...
There is also a "National Suicide Prevention Lifeline" phone number 1-800-273-(TALK) 8255, or you can "Chat" live with a counselor on their website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org The Lifeline is available to everyone for free & it's confidential. They are available 24/7 to speak to for emotional support & many other topics. They connect you to a "skilled, trained crisis worker who works at the Lifeline network crisis center closest to you." Please call them, they can provide free counseling & give you resources to help you.
On a personal note, when I am having suicidal thoughts or get very depressed, I KNOW NOW to just "ride the wave of depression" & get through it each time it happens - BECAUSE, I am ALWAYS thankful when I come out of the depression that I did NOT hurt myself (and those who love me). You don't have to live in a state of depression, there is help for you and there are people who DO care!
~ God bless you with comfort, healing, blessings & hope, and may God turn your negative thoughts and emotions into positive ones. Practice being thankful for every little thing that IS good, there is always something good and that's what you need to focus on. Nothing stays the same forever, life ALWAYS is changing & sometimes things happen when we least expect for the good. Remember this: "Suicide is a PERMANENT" solution, to a TEMPORARY problem". This was told to me in my twenties & I am now in my late 50's. Hang in there, you are a precious soul & deserve happiness and love. God bless you always.