Every year around this time, I can feel my heart sink. I feel remorseful. In two days, it's my so-called uncle's birthday. He's my so-called uncle because our family never found out if he's my uncle or biological father. Between my so-called father and I, it's already been set that we will never try to figure out this mystery. In my heart, it bothers me, but not as much as it used to. This July will mark my uncle's 11th year away from me. Once in a while, I think of him. Sometimes I get these sudden urges to go visit him or "his grave" because I miss him. But he was cremated. His urn is in Vietnam. The only way I can talk to him is through my prayers. I wonder if he hears me. I wonder where he is... Usually around this time of the year, I get vivid flashback memories. It makes me sad. It makes me wonder how he could just leave like that. The day he left, it was such a coincidence. I started writing my very first journal/diary. It was my first journal so I was really detailed about my day. Maybe that's why I have such vivid recollection of the day's events. That day still haunts me. :(' I watched him leave. He gave me hope and took it all back overnight. I couldn't do anything, but cry. He knew he was going to leave that night. Why... why couldn't he give me a little more time to adjust. From that day on... just when I thought there was going to be hope, my life became a wretched story. My life changed. I knew I had traumatic drama in my life before that day. But the day he left, my sheltered life that I ran away from, suddenly hits me in the face that I had been deceived ALL THESE YEARS... God, as you can tell... I have this love/hate emotion going on. I want to be able to drop this. I want to be able to let go. God! How can I let go? :(' My childhood memory is filled with nothing, but violence from a dysfunctional family. I am in so much pain. God, I usually wake up thanking you for everything that I have now... But how can I let go of the hate? How can I forgive them for how they took away my innocent childhood? Every child deserves a childhood. Growing up, I was the most rebellious student. Sometimes, my habit still carries onto my adulthood. I don't want my past to haunt my present or future. I want change. I know I'm changing. I know I've changed a lot. But I wish I can take back those times where I slept in class instead of listening to the teacher. I wish I can take back those sleepless nights or crying myself to sleep because I don't have a mother by my side or anyone I can trust. I wish I can take back those years of opportunity to learn. I'm so tired right now. I'm so tired of working M-F, 9-6 and going to class twice a week 7-10. I know I can do it, but I wish I could have done what I should have done when it was supposed to be done. :(' I still remember how sad I was moving into my dorm, ALL BY MYSELF while watching other dorm mate's family helping them move in. I was so tired of doing things for myself with no support, no love, no one around. :(' He was supposed to do all this with me. He faked me. I went through hell to get to where I am today. I'm tired. I wish I can share this message with him. I wish he knows how sad he's made me felt in the past 11 years. I wish he could have undone all the wrong from 25 years ago. God, when will I let go of this burden? Does it not disappear? Or will is slowly dissipate as I grow older, wiser, and happier? :l God, I pray that you let my heart go free. God, I pray that you constantly remind me that, everything happens for a reason. We grow older and wiser. The wiser we are, the happier we will be because we learn to cope with these memories... ? Yeah? Yeah God? Thanks for hearing me out. I pray for everyone's heart to be free from hatred in the past. Let go of the hurt. In Jesus' name, Amen. <3
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