god i confess my heart is sad my soul is mad. im worn down by years of self destructive behavior and the consequences of it. guilt regret and inability to see what i truly meant to my familly and friends got the best of me. god i thank u for my child i thank u for my mom and my grandma my stepdad for lost loves i say thank u for the great friends for the siblings and strangers that reached out and fought for me helped me loved me and invested more than words or even ones own thoughts can really explain. its been 3 years at least that i have hated myself completly. my grandma passed away i believe that if i had been the man u created me to be she would still be here. my mom has never been the same person without her my daughters mom hates me for making her leave to get away from my addiction and worse at her lowest point in life when she needed me i sat on my hands broken hearted not even aware i was needed wanted or capable of helping her god i know in my heart and my soul that i never meant to hurt any of them but i did i no longer can carry this guilt my heart wont heal cuz i cant forgive myself i know i can never be a part of any of their lives and i know they all long ago dismissed me from their thoughts or accepted me as a necessary consequence of life so i have known for a long time that they wont forgive me not out of hate but more i made myself irrelevant to their hearts and minds which i deserve. somewhere out there are good ppl that fight the same battle as i. good ppl who can make those around them better lord take their pain their doubt and troubles from their hearts and give them to me so that they and their familes can do the good for each other and the world that is needed. Amen