the hardest part of faith is not getting the answer I want when I want it or afraid I won't get the answer I want at all. I am tempted to think its a a trick to get me to do what God wants from me as if he hasn't shown me his love already. The source of all my problems now is failure to trust and surrender I think. Its scary. I am afraid. I dont know how to let go. I am tired of being afraid and being tossed to fro like the waves of the sea. Back and forth. One way or the other. I dont know my future thats scary. It ruins my today, that fear. I know everything I do my way turns to ruin. Gods way is better in the long run so why is it so hard to trust?

Having doubts and confusion.

Im starting to think i am planning for the wrong thing. Idk I am letting others influence me to much. I really want this bible institute in my life idk if all my motives are right. I can use prayer for guidance prayer for My automotive needs to be met, prayer to know in my heart whether to give up hope for the Bible college. Thanks you guys. Definitely less anxious today. God has been working on me. I have 13 months clean and sober from drugs and alcohol. Praise God. He is putting me back together. Now if I can just surrender my future. Its hard to let your desires die. It feels like a peice of me dying. I guess that is the point.

I had a good day today thank you all for the prayers. Surrender is hard. Anxiety and fear is difficult to overcome on my strength. As soon as I succumb to it in the least it gets a grip on me. I was ready to give up again last night but God must be covering me today. Its either he is giving me a break to breathe or maybe, (I pray so) that I dont have to suffer the way I was anymore. There are still things I am worried about in the background, I think the path will be revealed when needed. So i do have one issue. I need clarity whether or not I should rescind my notice to quit work because technically my last shift is mon. Also could use prayers for strength getting through this tough weekend of work. Got two 16 hour shifts coming, only get about 4 hours rest in between. So i pray for good rest and strength and courage to make it through. Thank you all for helping me out in prayer. God is good and I talk alot about giving up when overwhelmed, but the truth is I don't know if i actually could. I tried giving up last night. I was gonna pack up this am and leave it all behind (and go where, back to Egypt?) But I woke up in sackcloth and feeling embarrassed. Thank you God for your mercy. Please Abba please help me keep this new attitude and protect me from fear and anxiety and being overwhelmed. Thank you. In jesus name amen.