I would like to say Thank you to everyone who has sent their heartfelt messages to me and my prayer request a year ago. A lot of time has past, and to be honest, I don’t think I’ve healed at all.
It’s been 8 months since my brother has been out of the hospital. He has been going to his dialysis treatments since he got out. My brother isn’t the same like he used to be. I see now that he’s more tired, and some days are harder on him then the others. Although things at home have gone back to normal, it’s still not the same. I now have the lingering thought of my brother’s health. I can’t help but worry and wanna cry whenever I see those attached tubes on his chest. I know no family is perfect, and we all argue and don’t mean what we say, but it really hurts me when my mom and brother get into arguments. They say such awful things to each other, and sometimes to me. And I can’t help but feel alone in this world. I can’t help but feel hopeless. I can’t do anything. I can’t save nobody. I can’t help or heal anyone. But then I sit and think and realize there are others who have it worse. There are other who might wish they were in my shoes. And I wish I could trade places with someone. That I can run away, start again. I’m full of so much sin. I’ve never once been innocent. That was taken from me at a young age, and I’ve never been right in the head since. I’m full of so much hate. I feel nothing but hate, I think nothing but pure and evil thoughts, on myself and onto to others. I can’t stand the talk about god and Jesus and faith, when I was never given the option to believe that. And yet, I think about ending it all, so that I can start over, and relive the life that was taken from me when I was just a child. I wanna grow up again with the idea of God and trust and belief. I wanna relive another life without sin, I wanna be pure again. I wanna feel pure again. And yet I can’t. I’m stuck in this hole that’s filled with all my guilt, my regrets, my sinister thoughts, and I’m drowning in it. I want to believe in God. I want to believe that he will take all this away. That he will help my brother, my mom who has her doubts on life & me. I want to believe that god is real, But there is a part of me that hates the idea of him. That hates how people praise him. I hate that he wasn’t there for me. That he wasn’t there to protect me. If he’s real, why didn’t he help me when my innocence was taken away?? Why didn’t he rescue my brother and stop that awful event that happened at the hospital? Where is he? People are suffering everyday, asking for his help, and where is he? Why is this world the way it is? If God is real why doesn’t he make all the bad go away? What was the point of making this world and it’s people?? What is stopping him from changing everything and starting all over again? What is the point of all this? I wanna know why. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what to feel. I’m confused. And hurt. I don’t know if there is even anyone to blame, besides myself. I know I sound selfish, & like a lil baby. And u know what, maybe I am. But I just have so much of these emotions built up in me, idk how else, or where else to release it. Idk why we even have to feel like this. I just wanna know why.