Being saved at twelve years old was a choice that I made on one Sunday. While listening to a sermon on God's love for us I was called to my knees to accept him into my heart. The words were that even as we were sinners he was still calling for us to know that he loved us and gave the ultimate sacrifice of his own son to prove just how much that love was. For years after, I would have times of feeling his presence in my life. And yes there were times I gave him no thought at all except at times of need and times of celebration. As my life progressed I found trials in life. I found hards times, most of the time by the choices I had made and my life was happy at times too. Then one day they became the worse they could be possibly be. My phone rang and my world as I knew it changed forever.
Fast forwarding through the years there came the day of my greatest discovery also. You see my son was paralyzed in a car accident at the age of twenty one. The call came through that I needed to get to a hospital that was seven hours away. Having no money; no way to gas a car and drive that seven hours until I received my pay the next day I spent the night praying with all my might that my son would just hold on and live on not only until I could get there but for more time here with us, I was not ready to let go and I prayed for more time.
Well God answered that prayer but the months that followed were hard on us all. As he was being told he was never going to walk again and on top he was diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia. My world CAME crashing down around me and no prayers were ever going to make my son's life an easy one. All my dreams for my son looked so grim and I found myself wanting to curse God for all he was putting my son through and my mother's heart was breaking and my trust in a God of love was failing. I began to think THIS GOD OF LOVE DOES NOT EXSIST.
One day after a visits with my son when he was having a really bad time handling the realization of all the "Nevers" he was facing and his anger about having to endure all that he was going through I found myself hating God. And wondering just how could a God give a woman a son to only take break him in such a way? My thoughts went past my own son. All the way back to... as he did Jesus's mother Mary. As I left that hospital that day I was heart set on turning my back on God all together and my anger at him was consuming my every thought. I did not want to believe in a God who could break the spirit of a person like this and I wanted to scream it from the mountian top just how much I hated this so called God.
As I walked to my car, tears streaming down my face not caring one bit who saw my tears a man stopped me as I was getting into my car. He asked me if I had a cigarette he could have and I said yes I did. As I took them out , I popped one into my mouth and handed him a one. He then took it and asked me if I was alright. In my anger I told him my whole life story and of my anger with God and puffed away on my cigarette. With every word I said this man listened he would nod and comment as I spoke. After I was done telling him I had just left my son who was having a hard time handling all that he had been handed and that my heart just could not take anymore. He sighed.
When I had no more to say he started telling me about his visit with a love one who was also one the sixth floor where my son was. He told of his experiences going through his life while dealing with his loved one who was suffering very simular things. As he spoke of the ups and downs and kept showing no emotion of being mad ..I found myself thinking he just must be as wrecked with HATE toward God as I was..so I asked if he believed in a God and did he HATE him as much as I hated him right then. His answer was simple " yes I believe in God and if not for him I would never be able to withstand what I have been going through. He told of how his faith had seen him through many obstacles he faced with his love one and then he told of the times his loved one showed him things he never would of seen and felt before. He told of the wonderful times they had shared together and how even through the relapses of her disorder there was always more good being done..if you only look for it. When he was done he said may I give you hug..and I allowed him to. The relief that left my body was unexplainable in thar hugs embrace.
I asked him his name and he told me. He replied by saying" You will not remember my name" I said OH yes I will and if I ever see you again I will remember you. He laughed and handed me back the cigarette I had gave him. The questioning look on my face must have been why he explained he had quit smoking sometime back ..we both laughed and he started to walk away. As I got into the seat of my car, I reached for my purse to get a pen to write down his name and I had forgotten it. So I stood and looked for him in the parking lot but he was no where to be seen. And to this day I have never seen him again in our small city.
After that day I started to look for the positive things not the dwelling on all the negatives. My son still went through some hard times and set backs but this stranger's words kept coming up in my mind .."without God I would have never made it though". Here it is seventeen years later and as I watch my son with others I can see a whole different way God works through people..With my sons gentle heart and his way of just being able to sit by another without saying a word but calming them with the fact they are not alone in this world. How treats other so kindly and tries his best to lift others spirits when he notices they are stressed or upset. These things are where I have seen Gods plan for my son. He is not perfect and still every once in a while he gets mad and feels bad for the what he will never be able to do but with love from friends, family and other special people he is making it still to this day. And my love for him is so great and my faith in God's plan could never be stronger since that day of talking to a stranger whose name I can not remeber.