God doesn't love me. He never has. I'm hoping He shows Himself and proves me wrong but I've waited 20 years and I've been depressed this whole time and it's only gotten worse. I don't want to exist. I must be dead to God for Him to notice me so little despite my pleading. I don't think I can wait another year. I want to believe I'm wrong but maybe God isn't good to everyone. I've done all I can and there is nothing I can do but wait and God is basically telling me I don't exist to Him when He makes me wait like this. I feel like maybe I should just go back to using because I was skinny then and at least happy part of the time as opposed to now where I'm never happy. God is not real. He can't be. I haven't experienced Him at all so He can't be real. It's all a lie. I'm calling my dealer tonight.

I don't think I can last another year waiting on God. I'm trying really really hard to not cut my life short and I'm hoping against all hope God intervene because my life depends on whether or not He cares enough to make His presence known. I can't stand this mental torment anymore. This is more than I can handle and in 1 Corinthians 10:13, it says we won't be given more than we can handle. But, this is more than I can handle and I'm not handling it much longer to wait for a god who refuses to love me despite my efforts.

Please pray for me. I feel like I've waited all I can for God to deliver me from depression and it's been 20 years and despite my seeking Him, it's only gotten worse. I'm feeling very hopeless and I'm too discouraged to try and make myself feel better because it isn't working anymore. Nothing matters. I have never gotten an answer despite my persistence. I'm doubting God's love. I'm doubting God's goodness and faithfulness. I want to believe He keeps His promises and maybe He does to everyone else but not to me. It's been far too long. I've waited far too long. God made me to hurt me. God's goodness and mercy are nothing but pain and disappointment. He doesn't love me though I've tried to get Him to notice me. I'm only still alive because I'm afraid if I kill myself I will go to hell. I am starting to think I'm going there regardless because He meant for this to be too much for me to handle even though He says He won't do that. He doesn't love me. I'm praying God will give me a reason to stay here before it's too late. It's almost too late. I don't think I will last another year.

Please pray God has mercy on me. Numbness is the closest thing I feel to peace and I don't use anymore so I'm back to feeling nothing but sorrow again. It's exhausting to act like I'm ok during the day when I don't know what ok would even feel like because I never was. People my age are married and having children. I want to fall in love and be married and have a child but I can't even bond properly with people. I have been seeking God for years and years and years with all my might and I'm getting increasingly frustrated and hurt by being ignored. I have wanted to take my life for years now and I haven't because I'm afraid of hell. I feel like I've been waiting for relief that will never come and that my seeking has all been in vain. Part of me wonders if I should just give in and get the vaccine so at least my parents will be happy. Part of me wonders if I should just go back to using since I stopped. I thought if I stopped, God would listen to me and respond and that I would hear Him better and be healed and feel love. But, all I feel is pain. I have yet to see any of His promises come to pass in my life. Why does He hate me? What did my ancestors do? Why won't He respond? Why does He want to push me to suicide? Why does He continue to make me wait when I'm already too broken to trust and believe even when I try to? Why won't He have mercy on me and just let me stop feeling this pain? I feel like the only thing that will make it end is death because hell can't hurt much worse. I feel increasingly abandoned by God. I feel worse as each day passes. If anyone could tell me why He won't respond and why He hates me so much or what I have to do to get Him to respond please let me know because I've done all I can apart from ending my life and I'm trying with everything I have not to end it but God ignores me. I have lost all hope in His love, He abandoned me too many times and He wouldn't come through if my life depended on it because it does and He hasn't. I'm only holding on for my parent's sake but does it even matter?

Please pray I would be able to recieve the strength from God to keep going. This mental torment only gets worse and worse it seems and I've just about exhausted all my strength to hold on. It's too much. I can't handle it. I'm about to break.

Please pray God would change me and my life by whatever means necessary. Whatever it takes, I don't care. I can't stand to be who I am anymore. I can't change without God. Please pray God would change me and my life completely. I can't fix my habits and behaviors on my own (I have tried.) I am hungry to have an experience with God. I have been seeking Him and I will continue to do so. Please pray God would help me and answer my prayers.

Please pray God can help me forgive all the people who hurt me intentionally and unintentionally and help me let that pain go. Please pray God would help me forget about someone I like that doesn't feel the same. Please pray God would let me know I'm here for a reason. This depression I have battled with for over 2 decades is really bad right now. I'm looking for anything as a reason enough to encourage me to stay here despite this soul and spirit crushing unbearable sorrow that never ends but only intensifies in waves. Please pray God would comfort and strengthen me. I'm feeling like I'm about to be crushed to pieces. When I pray and cry out to God and spend time seeking Him out and am ignored, I can't help but feel completely worthless and defeated. I feel like I'm not important enough for God to answer so maybe He regrets making me?

I feel totally abandoned by God. I never felt Him. I tried to know Him but He wasn't interested and only ignored me. I've been waiting on a healing for 2 decades and yet my depression is worse than ever. Daily I fight the urge to end it and it's been like this for decades. What did I do that He is so willing to damn me and reluctant to help me even though I have cried out to Him time and again and I've read His book and He's nothing like it says to me. He doesn't have favorites but yet He's so quick to never give me any relief. I would love to say God is good. I would love to have a testimony. I would be able to do so much more if I didn't have to fight this urge to end my life every single day alone because people can't handle it and God doesn't respond or console me or anything. I can't do much for His kingdom now. I do what I can but I can't help but feel like He made me to hurt me. How is that good? It says He doesn't lie and that He won't give us more than we can handle but my depression is more than I can handle. It has been forever. I've never felt alive. I've only existed. I don't think I can do another decade like this. Why does God want to make me suffer? Why does He want to push me to end myself so He can send me to hell? How is that good? Why does He have godly expectations of me? What do I have to do to get Him to respond? Why won't He heal me? I am beginning to believe He wants me to end my life so He can send me to hell. I don't want to. I don't want to go to hell. I feel like God is against me and I'm put here for His amusement. I feel betrayed that He made me. It was cruel of Him to make me. I wish He loved me but He does not. That is the only thing I know for sure is true.

I am really struggling with my depression today. I have had this depression for over 2 decades. Nothing really helps it. I have tried to seek God with all my soul and I still haven't found Him. I read that He doesn't lie and that there is no favoritism with Him and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. But my depression is more than I can handle. I have cried out to Him daily. He knows my pain if He has noticed. I can't help but feel like He made me to ignore me. His promises never come to pass in my life and I've waited and waited and waited and waited and it never gets better or easier. Why does God like to ignore me? Why does He like to say He's good and that He doesn't have favorites and that He won't give anyone more than they can handle when it's a lie even though He says He doesn't lie? Why does God want to push me till I can't take it so He can send me to hell? Why can't He just be honest and tell me He made me to hurt me and send me to hell and that is why it's always been more than I can handle and that is why He doesn't step in because I was never meant to be healed?

Thankyou to every one of you for all the prayers you have prayed on my behalf. I really appreciate it and am grateful. I can tell a difference when people pray and I feel less attacked spiritually. I'm not sure how else to explain it other than I can have my own thoughts and not constantly be trying to ward off thoughts of death and suicide. May God truly bless all of you. I am asking for your continued prayers for God to heal me of depression and anxiety and help me see myself the way He sees me. Also, that He would help me get over Peter and in the future to stop getting crushes on people who never seem to like me back. God bless all of you.