I feel totally abandoned by God. I never felt Him. I tried to know Him but He wasn't interested and only ignored me. I've been waiting on a healing for 2 decades and yet my depression is worse than ever. Daily I fight the urge to end it and it's been like this for decades. What did I do that He is so willing to damn me and reluctant to help me even though I have cried out to Him time and again and I've read His book and He's nothing like it says to me. He doesn't have favorites but yet He's so quick to never give me any relief. I would love to say God is good. I would love to have a testimony. I would be able to do so much more if I didn't have to fight this urge to end my life every single day alone because people can't handle it and God doesn't respond or console me or anything. I can't do much for His kingdom now. I do what I can but I can't help but feel like He made me to hurt me. How is that good? It says He doesn't lie and that He won't give us more than we can handle but my depression is more than I can handle. It has been forever. I've never felt alive. I've only existed. I don't think I can do another decade like this. Why does God want to make me suffer? Why does He want to push me to end myself so He can send me to hell? How is that good? Why does He have godly expectations of me? What do I have to do to get Him to respond? Why won't He heal me? I am beginning to believe He wants me to end my life so He can send me to hell. I don't want to. I don't want to go to hell. I feel like God is against me and I'm put here for His amusement. I feel betrayed that He made me. It was cruel of Him to make me. I wish He loved me but He does not. That is the only thing I know for sure is true.
I am really struggling with my depression today. I have had this depression for over 2 decades. Nothing really helps it. I have tried to seek God with all my soul and I still haven't found Him. I read that He doesn't lie and that there is no favoritism with Him and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. But my depression is more than I can handle. I have cried out to Him daily. He knows my pain if He has noticed. I can't help but feel like He made me to ignore me. His promises never come to pass in my life and I've waited and waited and waited and waited and it never gets better or easier. Why does God like to ignore me? Why does He like to say He's good and that He doesn't have favorites and that He won't give anyone more than they can handle when it's a lie even though He says He doesn't lie? Why does God want to push me till I can't take it so He can send me to hell? Why can't He just be honest and tell me He made me to hurt me and send me to hell and that is why it's always been more than I can handle and that is why He doesn't step in because I was never meant to be healed?
Thankyou to every one of you for all the prayers you have prayed on my behalf. I really appreciate it and am grateful. I can tell a difference when people pray and I feel less attacked spiritually. I'm not sure how else to explain it other than I can have my own thoughts and not constantly be trying to ward off thoughts of death and suicide. May God truly bless all of you. I am asking for your continued prayers for God to heal me of depression and anxiety and help me see myself the way He sees me. Also, that He would help me get over Peter and in the future to stop getting crushes on people who never seem to like me back. God bless all of you.
Please pray God helps me be able to recieve His goodness. Please pray God helps me forget about all the people I have liked in the past that have denied me and that He gives me someone who actually loves me for me. I want to experience unconditional love at least once in my lifetime. Please pray God would give peace to my tormented soul and help me with withdrawl and not care that I'm gaining weight. Please pray God would overwhelm me with His love. If He can do all things, He can bypass any barriers I have subconsciously around my heart if He knows it's my will to recieve His love. He knows all of this. Please pray God would give me peace. I'm so tired of feeling sad and fighting to urge to give up.
Please pray God would help me forgive all those who could have helped me and whom I reached out to but refuse to. Please pray God would handle those people, especially Peter. Please pray that God would help me let all of the pain and resentment and jealousy go and forget I ever knew them. Please pray God would show me He loves me just as much as those who wronged me. Please pray God would have mercy on me and help me do what He put me here to do. I'm unable to get out of my situation alone and even if people helped me when I reached out, I can't get out of it in the natural and survive. Please pray God would pull me out of my situation and rescue me. I need a miracle to get out of it and be mentally ok. I'm already struggling with depression 20 years now with little relief and an addiction. There is more but.....Please pray God would heal me from it all and not just love on Peter who has all the support and resources he needs and clearly could help me but doesn't want to. Please pray God would help me let go of this jealousy and resentment and help me to forgive him and forget he ever existed.
Please pray God ends me. I can't be here. It's too hard. I'm too different. This depression never ends and I'll be suicidal on till forever. I'm tired of trying. I don't care if it sounds like self pity. My pride left long ago. Be it so. I can't handle this and I am so close to giving up and giving in to the spirit of death. I don't care. God doesn't care and despite that He is love. I never felt love. He never touched me. He must have never loved me and never will. I wish He would erase me. No one wants me here and I don't want to be here. I'm sick of suffering and waiting for God to show pity on me because He doesn't love me. He would have helped me by now. I wish I knew why I was made to suffer and never feel His love.
Please pray God will make a way where there is no way. I am in a situation where it would be impossible to get out of it in the natural on my own strength. I am trying not to think about it and focus on God. I see nothing changing and I'm not getting any clarity on what I should do. Please pray God would give me peace of mind and some way to know without a doubt that He's got me and that it will all be ok in the end. Now I don't know if He's for me or not. I can't differentiate between the relationship I have with God from the relationship I had with my earthly father. My earthly father loved me until I reached a certain age and then he discarded me. For some reason, I feel like God did that to me to or if I trust Him, that is what will happen. I want to believe He's with me and will make sure it's not too much for me to handle. I can't think or will my way out of the situation I'm in. I know I will just be condemned and judged if I reach out because I did in the past and that is what happens. I pray to God but I can't feel Him and that makes me feel like since nothing is changing and I can't feel Him, that He isn't for me. Please pray that God will do whatever He wants to do in my to make Him like me more. I'm weary, I'm exhausted and I'm running out of hope. I don't want to believe God made me to love Him only for Him to hurt me in return. I have suffered with treatment resistant depression 20 years now and an addiction the past 2. If i try to get out of the addiction, I could get so depressed there would be no hope and also, because of my earthly father (and other things I'm sure), I associate weight gain with abandonment and I have this terror of it so sobering up would mean everyone would abandon me. Ultimately, I'm afraid that whatever ends up happening will be too much for me and I'll end up in hell because I'd have killed myself. It's always in the back of my mind but I've resisted it so far. I feel like all my efforts to hold on to this life even though I don't want to have been in vain. I really wanted to know what it was like to live before I die and the way things are looking, I never will. I just want to enjoy life and love people and now I'm never going to get the chance and even though people say its in my control, it isn't. It's in God's control. Please pray God has mercy on me and delivers me before it's too late and I am not able to take it anymore.
God made me to hurt me or He isn't real. My biggest regret was how long I waited for Him because it clearly means nothing for Him. I wish I had been a bad person. I'm sure He would have loved me more. God isn't good. God isn't merciful. God isn't love. God has favorites and I'm not one of them. I really wish I could go back and undo all the good I did in His name. He never came through for any prayer I had in my life. He's the God of empty promises.
Thankyou to everyone who prays for me. I am frustrated and overwhelmed by life and my situation. I feel very discouraged because I have been doing all I can to avoid what is my worst fear and it seems like God wants me to be depressed and fat and have no friends and wants my family to disown me and be unable to find a job even if I do manage to overcome this addiction. I felt my feelings. Depression. It doesn't end. Ive had it over 2 decades, nothing works. I am tired of waiting. I hate myself for using but nothing was working and if I didn't I would have killed myself by now. Why would God make me to love Him only so He could hurt me in return. My life has never made sense. Everything I've gone through hasn't ever been explained and there couldn't be a reason enough to put all this on me. I can't read the bible anymore without getting angry about how God is good to everyone but me. I have to almost kill myself before He barely notices me. I want to be done with life and I am so tired of waiting this will never make sense. This will never make sense. He never talks to me and I call out to Him. His presence is nonexistant and I am starting to believe He never existed or He doesn't think I'm worth anything. I would rather not believe in God than believe in a God who can do anything and loves everyone but me. I think God is the opposite of good. He's cruel. He's NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER shown that He loves me in any way. I'm giving up on God. I have to. I don't want to but He isn't there. I could have done so much for Him but He doesn't want me.
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