Please pray that God will help me trust Him more. I put my trust in the wrong people and I can't tell who I can trust. I'm used to trying to manage on my own so it would be a huge step of faith for me. I know that is what God wants but I'm terrified of getting hurt. I've struggled with depression for 20 years now and I haven't gotten an answer as to why I got it, what I did to deserve it (I got diagnosed at 12), and why He won't take it away from me. I say all the time I could do so much if He just took it away but no matter what I do, He won't answer me. (Or I can't hear Him.) I read the Bible but had to stop. I was frustrated that His promises were so fantastic yet I never experienced any of them. I don't know how someone's joy can be made complete.. The new testament is words to me. I've read it. I know there is more. I can't understand it more than words. I get frustrated because I feel nothing and I really understand nothing besides the surface stories. I know there is more but I can't get to it.

I feel so defeated. Nothing changes how I feel or my depression. If this continues at this intensity, I will for sure end my life before the next year. I don't want to end my life because I don't want God to send me to hell or people to notice me gone. I feel like everything I try is in vain. All my tears are in vain. All the times I reach out I am just annoying people and God never intended to answer my prayers. I feel like He abandoned me just like my father for getting older and for getting mental illness like my father's mother. Please pray God has mercy on me and for my soul's sake, He ends my life before I end it. I'm at my breaking point and am starting to believe God wants me to commit suicide.

I feel like this mental anguish and agony never ends. I have had it over half my life and I really feel the urge to end my life today. I don't know how much longer I can fight this feeling. I have tried all I can think of to do on my own but nothing really works. I'm sick of fighting this. I'm feeling very defeated and feel like God abandoned me the way my earthly father did emotionally. I feel shunned and rejected. No matter how hard I try, I'm struggling to recieve the truth that God really loves me and Jesus died for me. I believe it in my mind but my heart still has some type of blockage I can't overcome because I don't know how to remove it. I feel like all my efforts to stay here, all my prayers, all my tears, all of it was in vain. I feel like I'm about to be a tragedy and never a testimony. This battle has been going on over half my life. I can't take it much longer. I am at a complete loss over how to hang in here. I really really really want to end my life today. I'm tired of crying and feeling such anguish alone. I was a good kid. I was kind and obedient. I got good grades. I tried to make everyone happy. Never in a million years did I think I would be an addict. I feel like no matter what I do or how hard I try to stay here, I will eventually end my life and all my effort will be in vain because I will be going to hell for ending my life.

I'm trying to accept that God isn't going to help me and I'm going to have a bad ending its only a matter of time. It's really hard to pretend to be ok when you know you're doomed. I do it so people around me won't know I'm not ok and I don't think I ever will be. It's exhausting but people get upset when they can't help and I can't explain what's wrong. Please pray for me that God fixes me so I don't have to keep hiding this pain and bothering people with my problems. If God tells you that He is intending to damn me, please let me know. I have asked many times and I haven't gotten any answer and it really seems that way. Also, please let me know if He tells you what He has against me that He never answers any of my prayers or comforts me when I'm sad.

I'm losing hope. I'm tired of fighting this depression. Nothing makes it go away. I'm an addict and even that doesn't work anymore. I'm barely functional with this addiction. I don't want to cause my family more pain so I bear this all alone. I'm so messed up. Nothing can fix me. I know for sure no drug or substance could. I can't eat enough run enough cry enough to make it leave. It's endless and I'm at my wit's end with this. I can't explain it and that makes it so much worse. My life isn't bad and I know people love me. That's why I don't tell them how bad it really is. I don't even know why I try and control how I use. I feel like my fate is sealed, it's game over for me, and I wish this pain would just consume me because I'm sick of having to look like I'm ok when really I'm just medicated so I don't cry constantly. I'm crying my eyes out every night and it's like I will never know peace or happiness or unconditional love. The closest I ever felt to ok was when I was high, but I can't even get that anymore. In 1 Corinthians 10:13 it says we aren't given more than we can handle but this IS more than I can handle.