I'm really going through a hard time mentally. None of the medications I have ever been perscribed have worked for more than maybe a week. I was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 15 and I'm 35 now. It's only getting worse despite all I try and do to not get into that mindset. I try and stay in the Word and I pray to God to take this daily but nothing changes. I don't have bad thoughts anymore, I just feel bad all the time no matter what. It's been like this for so long now but I can't bear the thought of living the rest of my life like this because I'm not really living. The urge to take my life keeps growing and at the same time, I'm starting to lose hope this will get better. God knows how hard I've held on but I can't hold on forever. I can't talk about this with anyone without feeling like I'm bringing them down or making them uncomfortable and besides no one could really help me with this anyway. Only God can. I have heard that we won't be given more than we can handle but this is much more than I can handle, it has been for a very long time now. It's almost unbearable. Hell is starting to seem less like a threat and more like a current reality, like I already ended my life and I'm already in hell. I can't feel connection. I can't say what is wrong or what I need or figure out what I need to do to make this better and I don't have the energy to keep on seeking. This is impossible and I'm not Jesus and I feel like I'm expected to be. I can't handle this anymore. Nothing helps. I've had this forever and it never goes away. I'm tired of pretending to be happy. I can't do this much longer. Why won't God help me? I don't want to bother you people with my issues. Truth be told, I'd much rather kill myself than bother people with this. But, I'm afraid of hell and that is where I was raised to believe I would go if I did end my life no matter how painful existing is or how overwhelmed and disconnected I feel or how many nights I endlessly cried out to God and He would have none of it. Living in the mental state I do, I know that there most defenitely is a hell. Please pray God would take this away before I run out of options. I am trying to stay strong and I wonder if God made me to love Him only for Him to hurt me or if all my efforts to stay here are in vain and that God never meant for me to go to heaven and that maybe I was never meant to be saved no matter how much I want it.