Really can't make this long... in too much pain and not seeing a point right now which I guess is when you need to go with your faith the most....

Please just pray this for me... Please ask God to get me through the next week, have a healthy baby that will never see abuse or be around anything I have been through and then he can take me because I am exhausted... I have nothing left to give and m yhealth is scaring the shit out of me... my father wants me dead and father of my child will probably kill me one day if I don't drop dead from whatever health problem is wrong with me.... I forgave everytime something happened to me.. every time.... Felt I must have done something wrong.... Never prosecuted my rapists either time, never sought revenge on anyone that was cruel to me, allowed my boyfriends to treat me bad and cheat and abuse me because I assumed I deserved whatever hell was brought to me. Add my health problems throughout the years and missing out on so much just pure youth from every stupid thing I let into my life. My own doing... I sabatoged myself.. I screwed myself over real good and real freakin good this time.. like my father and my ex said the abuse was my fault and maybe I am a heartless cold self centered bitch. Perhaps it's all true... Maybe I can't see it.... I tried my hardest God.. I really tried to stay strong and say everything is for a reason but I can't take much more....
Please pray just to get me through next week and have her come into the world and then after that I would like to be okay and also would be nice to know what its like to have someone care about me... would be really nice instead of dealing with it like I have... Cuz my baby can't have me in her life if I go back to old ways.... So please ask God to please help me this time in whatever way he deems right.
I may not understand it... but I will go with it.
God please.
And please tell me what I did that was such a sin..... please before I die let me in on the secret or the obvious I can't see.... what did I do that was so awful as a youth that warrants hell on earth and hell if I die because I really would like to know my child. God, I really want to watch her grow and help her be so great and tell her my mistakes so she never has to feel it for herself.... Please God..... please strength.. strength.. just a week...
And God, I know I am being dramatic and whining... but it really feels lousy that at the end of my day the other side of the bed is empty and I just don't even know my family.

Stop these thoughts God... Please do not allow them to seep further into my mind because we both know what happens and I can't risk her harm.... Please just carry me the rest of the way please.... and please ease up on the burdening on my mother.. she is a great woman and shouldn't have to bear this burden...

Please stop my wretched thoughts.... Please.

Thank you...

Guess I will just say it even though it feels bit silly. I pray for only a few things. Of course the welfare/health of all that I know.... The strength to keep on taking all that is being thrown at me through the years... The wisdom and understanding of how I can help others through my pain.... and also for the health and happiness of my soon to be daughter and myself.. but if it has to be one over the other, her health is more important but pray any evil stays away from her. Selfishly, I also pray that the drs. figure out what's wrong with me health wise so I know how to deal with it or just make the pain bearable. I finally want to live but if God tells me that what's wrong is irreversible, I will be at ease with it. I pray for answers instead of more questions. I pray that people with ill will may wake up sometime soon and be happier and not so hurtful. I pray for so much... I pray that I don't end up dying and everything that has happened hasn't had any meaning....
I also pray for a friend who is having a tough time of his own and isn't getting the concern and love that I know he needs right now... I pray for him for he is pure and has done no wrong.
Guess my final prayer for now is for me to keep God in my heart and love and not allow myself to have hatred start to fill it.

God always answers when he knows we can handle the answer... just most importantly make sure my baby lives and stays away from abuse... that's all that matters anymore.

K... Feel silly..