Well the holidays are slowly upon us. Im still married,..but living a seperate life. Hes still determined that hes divorced even thought there is paperwork to prove hes not. Hes living on his own now...first time in his 46 years. Hes always had someone with him. I dont know if hes dating or not,..all I know is he is all about money and determined to keep that wall up between us no matter how hard I try to break through. I pray, I beg, I cry....but it doesnt seem to change a thing. How long am I going to live this stagnant lifestyle? How am I ever going to get on with my life when he still holds my heart? Ive asked him to go to counseling with me just to help me figure it all out in a calm organized setting,....my emotions run a gamet when we try to discuss this on our own because he is so bullheaded and wont even listen to what I say....God please send me signs, simple understandable signs that I will know what to do and how to do it....thank you for all the blessings we do have .....amen

I was hoping I would be able to post good news someday but it seems things arent working for him and hes looking for a place to live. Im not sure if I have the energy to keep fighting his mental health issues,..my heart says if I dont then I appear as if I dont love him anymore which is as far from the truth as possible. I still love HIM, but not what hes let his depression turn him into and what it has done to us as a family. Everyone is saying to just let him go and let him figure it out. I guess Im scared more than anything,..but I need to think about my son. That was why he came home before the holidays was to try and repair the damage already done. If anything it has gotten worse and all he can do is blame me. Why would someone want to feel like he does everyday??? If most people knew they could take a pill and chat awhile to feel better --most people would??? I am so angry for him letting this happen, yet so tired from trying to stop it,....he says it all me. He didnt even acknowledge his daughters graduation or the younger ones birthday,...thats normal. I am at a loss but it looks like Ill be figuring it out all alone,...God please once again help me just get through each day one breath at a time. Help me in keeping or finding a secure job so I dont need to be dependent--I just ask I have enough to cover all my bills and put food on the table. Thank you for the blessings I have already received,....

Its been awhile since I posted anything,....in the midst of all this trauma I decided my son needed to talk to someone so I made him an appointment with a therapist. In all of that I learned that my son and his father never bonded and that my son just looks at him as another man in our lives--not as a dad. I was devasted,....how could he not bond with this beautiful bundle of joy he was given that never woke up without a smile on his face or a sparkle in his eye. I didnt want to believe it but unforunatley it was true and deep down I knew their relationship was never right. Id always blamed on his dad being busy or his illness. In the meantime he broke up with his girlfriend because she brought another man home after the bar closed and tried to get him in bed with them. She was violent, angry and nasty. He had no where to go so I let him come home. One to salvage anything he could with his son, and becaue I needed his financial help that he wouldnt give when he lived apart from us. Did I make the right choice?? Probably not.....I thought he would change. Hes gotten worse and so has my son,.............I have given up on my faith again because Im tired.
Now it is March 1 eve and Im trying again. Ive been a good job so I can be here for my son at night and weekends off so I can actually finally have a "family" type life. I can start going back to church and really try harder than before,....but I cant do it alone and Im all alone even though he is here. Once in awhile Ill get a kind word or acknowledgement but ususally its all about him for him and his son is getting just like him. God please let his dad see he needs help and please help my son to see what is happening. Please give me enough love and patience to keep all of this together,.....and if not, please give me the strenth, wisdom, guidance, and finances to be able to take care of our home, us and our needs. I worry so about all of this,...but Im going to leave it in your hands from tonight on and hope it turns out........God give me strength and wisdom and finances to back it up,............

Well being New Years Eve I thought I should put up an update,...My husband ended up leaving that other woman and coming home for his son.I needed the help with finances and our son needed to learn to at least be civil to his father.

We are getting along somewhat better,....but its effort on my end I believe.Im trying to show him how things have changed here. I keep forgetting hes not here for me so I get hurt by expecting comments or actions that arent being taken. I didnt understand why he wouldnt sleep with me,....I felt like we should be close in order to repair damage. It was about anything else but he doesnt feel like that. Im not sure how this is going to turn out. I think hes happy hes here though, and I think we are too for the most part.

God is working slowly and that is ok. Helping me adjust to whatever outcome I believe to be able to handle him being here or walking out again. Im much stronger than I was and I have a new found faith,...heres to nothing but good things for all in 2010!!

Well my husband is very unhappy in is new relationship and I know I should be glad,........but I a part of me feels bad for him. He is living a life of turmoil right now and he doesnt know where to turn. He came and talked to me and I tried really hard to be supportive and let him know that I was there for him. Lord Im not sure what this is about,....Im not sure what is suppose to happen. Im praying with all my heart he sees now how much I love him and how much we trully want him here with us. Please,........Ive been patient, Ive been respectful,.I havent even attempted to do what the devil asked of me. Im praying with all my heart to have my family back by the holidays,........please God if it is in your plans,...............give me a sign.

Well God has helped me to be patient and slow to make decisions in my dealings with my husband and my family. Although they were dissappointed in my choice,..he did help out some which reaffirms my faith in him and his choice to do what is right. I live day to day still but am making small steps everyday to normalcy. Planning holidays and such is helping. I think God is working in a quiet, slow way but that is ok. I couldnt handle any drama right now. Im just thankful for the wonderful God I have and for the blessings I have already received.

No change--but now Ive upset my family in all this. But I need for them to understand that I need to do things in my own time in my own way. Financially we are strapped,.....they want to me to have things reevaluated to see if I can get more money,..... its not worth the anger and trauma is causes to me. We arent going without,..alll though I do need a vehicle. I dont hve one at all. But outside of that little setback--we are good. The bills are paid,...theres food in the freezer,...its all going to be ok with Gods help----please God---help me to do this right and just. Please keep him safe and help him to figure ou things also before its to late.

Last night was a breaking point for me. He wants no contact with me whatsoever because his married girlfriends husband had text me a few times just wanting to talk. He doesnt want me to talk to him about anything going on..................I standing on the edge here ...........Please God help me to make this ok for me and my kids.

Like I wasnt struggling as it is,.............now my favorite Grandmother has had a major stroke and they are just giving her water and morphine,............I feel like Im walking a tight wire and the wire is getting smaller and smaller,................please God help me.

DearGod ---I know Im not the Christian I was once was and I know Ive questioned your decisions in my life,......is this the end of my marriage,.....is this suppose to be better for me somehow to feel like I cant breathe most days,..........to watch my sons anger escalate daily to the point he hates his father,...to watch my daughters senior year in heartache,....is something good to come out of all of this.........DEAR GOD ITS KILLING ME---IM LEAVING IT IN YOUR HANDS AND WALKING THE EDGE,.........IS THAT THE PLAN??? PLEASE SOME SIGN,.....SOMETHING TO KNOW THAT SOMETHING GOOD OR BETTER IS GOING TO COME OUT OF THIS,...........I LOVE HIM AND MISS HIM SO MUCH--HES MY SOULMATE,..ITS LIKE IM MISSING HALF OF EVERYTHING,..........PLEASE!!!